I am Running for President of the United States. Vote for Me.

T he general election for president of the United States this coming November appears to be winding down to a choice of two candidates: Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton? Is that really the best that the United States can do? Are there no better candidates for the job?

I am Running for President of the United States

Because of the amazingly poor choice of candidates — they seem to get poorer every four years — I have decided to officially announce my candidacy to run for president of the United States despite my disdain for politics…

…or perhaps it is because of my disdain for politics.

“If you are wondering about my political affiliation, I am an independent person; or — to put it another way — I “like” Democrats just as much as I “like” Republicans…” is what I wrote in this article pertaining to how much presidential candidates such as Hillary Clinton received from companies in the travel industry — such as airlines and lodging companies as two examples. Donald Trump is running on the Republican ticket; and Hillary Clinton is running on the Democratic ticket — so to lodge myself into this election, I have decided to run on the Airline ticket; and my slogan will be “Hey — I cannot do any worse.”

Why You Should Vote For Me

Here are some reasons why you should vote for me for president of the United States:

My first order of business — once I get myself comfortable in the Oval Office — is to sign an executive order abolishing the Transportation Security Administration, as that agency has no hope of ever being fixed. Perhaps returning to the contracting of private agencies is the way to go; and they will be required to operate within a certain budget as determined by the revenue derived from taxes paid by passengers on airline tickets, which I vow will not increase…

…and as an incentive, any private security company which exceeds expectations — such as consistently shorter wait times on lines at airport security checkpoints without sacrificing real security measures — will receive additional funding.

Speaking of budgets, it is about time that the federal government became more efficient and adhered to a strict budget — but not so lean that nothing can be accomplished. I intend to cut a significant amount of waste and fat from the federal budget and wipe out the federal deficit — but I will need your help convincing your elected representatives in the House of Representatives and the Senate to join me in achieving this goal.

Without compromising the security of the borders of the United States, by reducing — or, better yet, eliminating — the fees to secure a visa for a visitor, I believe that more people from around the world would consider visiting the United States; and I also believe that the economic benefits would more than make up for it. That $160.00 per person for a visa to visit the United States could instead go towards patronizing businesses and other areas of the general economy, which in turn would increase tax revenues for the government as one of many benefits. I am by no means an expert on economic policies in global economies; but I believe that charging exorbitant visa fees actually does more harm to countries economically in the long term than helps them.

In an attempt to wean airlines and rental cars off of the necessity of operating using fossil fuel, I would ensure that all modes of transportation would have choices of fuel for an environment friendlier to living beings on our planet — including but not limited to solar, hydroelectricity, coal, wind, methane, nuclear, hydrogen and fossil fuels — so that we are not dependent on one source of energy. There would be a balance of the combination of sources of energy to be used while simultaneously establishing methods and policies where those energy sources can be used as safely as possible.

Airlines which have frequent flier loyalty programs would be required by law to publish their award charts publicly and adhere to them. The United States will already be better off because of that proposed law.

Once elected to office, I promise that I will not use business hours to campaign for myself or for others who are running for office. That I will do on my own time, as I have a job to do: to serve you as best as possible. More importantly, I intend to significantly reduce the amount of time you are delayed have to wait to catch a flight at an airport just because I have Air Force One parked on the tarmac. I am no better than you. Why should I inconvenience you?!?

I have no intention of accepting funds from lobbyists and other sources of self interest, as I do not want to be indebted to them. I have already proven that in a way by refusing to partner with affiliate credit cards despite the potentially lucrative income from which I could have benefited.

Many problems are addressed in a reactive manner — such as terrorism. I intend to be proactive about eliminating terrorism by getting to the sources of what causes terrorism in the first place…

…and one of my goals is to ensure as best as possible that we can all travel freely to enjoy this wonderful world in which we live — and do so in the safest manner possible. This will require a lot of negotiations with the leaders of certain countries — but hey, I am willing to at least try.

I also promise to correct all of the mistakes associated with the extra-long fish sandwich sold by Burger King.

There are many other issues which I would attempt to tackle and conquer; but I will not list them all here…

…but on a high note: if I am elected and you can prove you voted for me for president of the United States, you will get a ride in Air Force One; a night as a guest in the White House; and ground transportation to and from the airport in the official limousine. Talk about the ultimate frequent flier dream trip! If you are a legal resident of the United States, your tax dollars paid for this sweet ride and cool lodging; so you may as well enjoy them.

Summary

I cannot imagine I can do any worse running this country than Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton; so why not leave the job to someone who truly cares about the United States and not about his or her own self interests — someone who will not condescendingly look down on you as some mere proletariat, as many politicians seem to do?

First, I must spend or raise greater than $5,000.00 dollars for my cause to be automatically considered a candidate by the Federal Elections Commission. Once that happens, can I repay the people who helped to fund my campaign?

I just wonder how candidates who are currently running for the office of the president of the United States managed to somehow get the minimum amount of funding to appear in this list — such as Some Lice, Mic Check, Hey He Stole That Guy’s Pizza, Soul Bunny, Dr. Yavdaq Qamdu’Daj Lis Ghargh Je Nuj Tinqu’ Ghaj, and Abraham Lincoln.

Abraham Lincoln?!?

Next, I will need to figure out how I can get on the ballot in each state within the United States…

…or I suppose I could hope to be a “write-in” candidate where my name is written on the ballot by each individual who wants to vote for me. I am cool with that.

Consider this the launch of my presidential exploratory committee. As I do with every article I write, I will be reading what is posted in the Comments section of this article to read what you have to say and listen to your thoughts and ideas.

Know that I will do everything I can to defend and uphold the Constitution of the United States — as well as your rights. This is not rhetoric.

I know that the odds are quite long for me; but think about it: who would you rather see elected to the office of the president of the United States in 2016 — or at any other time, for that matter? Trump, Clinton or Cohen?!?

By the way, I could use that salary of $400,000.00 per year; and I pledge not to augment it with affiliate credit cards…

Photograph ©2015 by Brian Cohen.

14 thoughts on “I am Running for President of the United States. Vote for Me.”

  1. Susan Young says:

    You’re late to the game! I’ve been running for president since the beginning of the school year. My students even got on the front page of the Orange County Register and the Press Enterprise. 🙂 #Young4President

    1. Blind Squirrel says:

      If you were running on the D ticket the establishment would say we have our anointed one already. If you were running on the R ticket you’d be drafted immediately to take on the Orange One. Be careful what you ask for.

      BS

    2. Brian Cohen says:

      Please share an actual link here as well, Susan Young.

      I have no problem sharing the spotlight with my competition; and you might snag a few more votes on the way.

      Better yet: perhaps we can run on the same ticket. We just have to decide who will be president and who will be vice president…

  2. Rachel says:

    You have my vote! Think of the federal spending you could churn through on your credit cards! But wait, there wouldn’t be money to pay them off each month, so maybe that’s not such a good idea. . .

    1. Brian Cohen says:

      Excellent comment, Rachel — and thank you for your support!

  3. MG says:

    I’ve said for years that we should have the option to vote for “none of the above”. Why should we be forced to vote for one or the other awful choice? That does no one any good. I does not help our country, dissuades people from voting, and ensures that millionaires/billionaires control the election process. The people should have real power and be able to give “thumbs down” by voting no to both candidates. Being forced to vote against one candidate by having to choose the another lousy candidate is no real choice at all.

    1. Brian Cohen says:

      I completely agree with you, MG.

      I am neither a millionaire or a billionaire. Perhaps I should run on that platform?

      By the way, I am not naïve enough to believe the promises that presidential candidates offer to voters, as once elected, the checks and balances in the federal government usually prevent them from enacting unilateral decisions…

      …which means that the House of Representatives and the Senate also need to be cleaned out as well.

  4. Blind Squirrel says:

    Let’s see, we have a crazy socialist who wants to write checks no one can possibly cash. An opportunistic liar whose disingenuous nature is so thick it can cut with a cliche. And a spray painted megalomaniac whose hair could have its own wing in the Smithsonian.

    Brian, compared to this clown taxi of fools, you’re flying high. Vote for Brian!

    BS

    1. Brian Cohen says:

      I appreciate your support, Blind Squirrel

      …and for a blind squirrel, you seem to see the issues rather well.

      “Even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while?” In politics, you will find significantly more than one nut — even if you were a squirrel who was also deaf and mute with no olfactory sense…

  5. Kenny says:

    You make some compelling arguments, but I think I’m still voting for Dave Barry.

    1. Brian Cohen says:

      How can I compete against Dave Barry, Kenny?!?

      My candidacy is already doomed!

  6. DavidB says:

    Wonder what questionable behaviour (aka “dirt”) we can uncover about you? Churned credit cards? Used fuel dumps? Sold or bartered a SWU on FlyerTalk or eBay? Took advantage of a fare glitch? Did a status match with a non-American airline to get around domestic lounge access restrictions of US airline elite tier lounge benefits? I’d happily contribute to your campaign but then you could be accused of accepting money from foreign sources and selling out your country!

    1. Brian Cohen says:

      I have taken advantage of fare “glitches”, DavidB — but does that really count as questionable behavior?

      As for selling out my country, perhaps my articles pertaining to Norwegian Air Shuttle might preclude me from my run for the office of president of the United States — but thank you for your support!

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