I Want In on This Resort Fee Nonsense: Open My Own Resort

et’s face it: hotel and resort properties would not be charging resort fees if people were not paying for them, right? They certainly would not go through the trouble if it were not lucrative, I would think. Resort fees do not seem to be going away soon. If you cannot beat ’em, join ’em — right?

I Want In on This Resort Fee Nonsense: Open My Own Resort

I was thinking about taking the millions of dollars I profit every week from this weblog and pouring it into building my own resort property. It will be on some remote island in the Arctic Ocean — I was going to find one in the Antarctic Ocean; but all I could find was the Southern Ocean — and I will have to do the fowl task of replacing the penguins with puffins.

Resort Fee Resort Resort — A Resort is what I will call it.

An Example of Valuable Items Included in Resort Fees

As Mark Beattie of Miles From Blightly pointed out in this article, the Hyatt Regency Waikiki Beach Resort and Spa includes these items in the resort fee of $30.00 — plus $1.41 in taxes — which it charges to every paying guest:

  • 2 bottles of water,
  • Coupons from Hyatt Shops, Spa, and Restaurant,
  • photo keepsake,
  • in-room safe,
  • complimentary local, 1-800 and International calls (up to 60 minutes) per day,
  • discounted beach activities,
  • local newspaper (Monday-Friday) pick up at the front desk,
  • complimentary incoming faxes,
  • Health Club access,
  • resort cultural activities (lei making, hula, ukulele, guided cultural tour) Twilight Ceremony (Monday and Tuesday), Aquaponics Fish Feeding, Hula Show at the Beach Mound,
  • Reusable Hyatt tote,
  • guest request texting,
  • access to beach amenities (beach chairs and towels)

Some of the Items I Intend to Add for My Resort

I can easily offer those aforementioned amenities at Resort Fee Resort Resort — A Resort; but I am willing to offer a whole lot more. Let’s see some second-rate resort top all of the amenities, features and services I would offer — all of which would normally cost an extra charge — for the low low room rate of only $18.99 per night, which does not include the resort fee of only $1,313.13 per day plus taxes and fees:

  • Incoming telegrams and telegraph messages in Morse code
  • Unlimited use of a manual typewriter in our business center — carbon paper is available for copies at an extra charge per piece
  • Free 15 minute usage of radio, television, 8-track tape player, telephone book and Bible in your desk drawer per day — additional usage available at a significant discount
  • Complimentary unlimited advertisements and other unwanted reading material to clutter your room
  • Valuable coupons for use at local retail establishments which offer such useful products and services as video rentals, film processing and the sale of sets of encyclopedias
  • Unlimited use of furniture and closet to store your belongings for the entire duration of your stay
  • Access to on-site restaurants — food and beverages are available at an additional cost
  • Complimentary plumbed water for the sink, shower, toilet and sprinkler system — up to two gallons per day, even in an emergency
  • Free unlimited viewing of room map in case of fire or other emergency — access to emergency exit is available at an extra charge to be determined by us at the time in the event of an actual emergency
  • No extra charge for the fingerprints, lipstick prints and other anomalies you might find on the drinking glasses in your room
  • Complimentary use of towels — no extra charge for any amounts of hair from unknown sources embedded in the towels which you find; but extra towels are available at a discounted nominal additional charge
  • Complimentary use of lighting already equipped in the room for your convenience
  • Unlimited use of bedding, which includes sheets, pillows and a blanket — bed bugs are readily available at an extra cost
  • Opaque solid door to room included to ensure privacy — and use of locks on the door are included as well for your security; and as an added bonus, you will not have to pay a single penny extra for the walls, ceiling and floor which comprise your room except for the grout fee and caulk fee in the toilet room
  • Reusable plastic bag which was the vehicle used to protect your newspaper and hang it on the outside of your door
  • Complimentary use of mirrors in the room — although upon reflection, that might incur an additional fee in the future
  • Complimentary use of wastebasket for included removal of any refuse from your room
  • Complimentary viewing of outside from the convenience of the window equipped with your room
  • Writing instrument and paper — limit one of each per stay
  • Complimentary use of walkways on grounds for your walking pleasure — just bypass the toll gates
  • Complimentary daylight after nighttime concludes
  • Complimentary unlimited amounts of air for your breathing pleasure — heating and cooling of said air available for a modest fee

Taxes and Fees

Let’s see…levying a tax of ten percent on the resort fee would be an additional $131.31 per day — but I should tax the tax; so that adds another $13.13 per day…

…and a tax upon the tax on the tax is another $1.31 per day; plus the tax upon that tax of the tax upon the tax is 13 cents per day. Why stop there? I will add another tax upon the tax upon the tax upon the tax upon the tax of one cent per day.

I am still debating on whether or not to charge a fee for calculating all of those taxes. As of now, the room rate at my resort property will still be only $18.99 per night — not including mandatory resort fees…

…and I do not intend to add up all of the resort fees and taxes added per night to the room rate, which would total $1,459.02; and when added to the room rate would be a grand total of $1,846.35 — but let this be our little secret. I do not want any of my valued guests to know what they will actually be paying per night for staying at my resort.

What? My math is off, you say? The total should actually be $1,478.01?!? Shh…that was on purpose. I do not have time to do complex mathematical calculations…although I could add another fee on top of that to compensate me handsomely for my time and effort. I might call it a carrier-imposed fee — just because…

Pardon me while I go shopping for that new Corvette I have always wanted.

Summary

Yup. Call me a sellout. As a “blogger”, who needs income from affiliate credit cards? Resort fees and facilities fees are where the big money is earned.

“I love the free incoming faxes”, Mark Beattie wrote sarcastically in his aforementioned article. “Don’t remember the last time I sent a fax. The free phone calls is useful, but I tend not to spend my holidays making phone calls. And wow, I can use the safe in the room without charge.”

This spoof on resort fees is to show how absolutely ridiculous this phenomenon on the lodging industry within North America has become — if it is not already obvious.

Photograph ©2014 by Brian Cohen.

9 thoughts on “I Want In on This Resort Fee Nonsense: Open My Own Resort”

  1. Winston says:

    Resort fee is false advertising. I wonderful why there hasnt been a successful class lawsuit against hotels that blatantly do this. Thanks for bringing up this issue, Brian.

    1. Brian Cohen says:

      You are welcome, Winston — and thank you.

      Part of the reason is because of the weak stance of the Federal Trade Commission of the United States, which attempted to address the issue of resort fees back in 2012 but failed miserably, in my opinion.

      Another reason is that lawsuits against resort fees have been unsuccessful. Please read this article for details on one lawsuit filed earlier this year and the attempt to be successful:

      http://thegate.boardingarea.com/lawsuit-alleges-daily-resort-fee-was-hidden-from-room-rate-at-booking/

  2. Chris says:

    What I don’t understand is if they need/want another $30 per night, why don’t they just add said $30 per night to the price of the room/night and be done with it. Why on earth come up with some mock-worthy, ridiculous, customer-annoying gimmick such as a “Resort Fee” to add that $30? It only serves to draw all the wrong sort of attention (as evidenced by this blog post). Please, someone explain the rationale here for us more simple-minded folk.

    1. Brian Cohen says:

      There could be a number of different reasons, Chris.

      Perhaps the resort property wants to advertise a lower price than its competition.

      Maybe they avoid paying taxes on the income of resort fees.

      One thing is for certain: if resort fees were not significantly profitable, management at resort properties would not resort — pun intended — to using this deceptive policy.

  3. Kevin says:

    What a crybaby!! whaaah whaaah whaaah

    1. Brian Cohen says:

      I am sorry to learn that you finally admitted that about yourself, Kevin — but it is a strong first step forward towards recovery.

      Tell you what…if you stay in my new resort property, I will personally see to it that tissues are included for you at no extra charge — as long as you pay the resort fee along with your room rate.

      Nothing is too good for my guests at Resort Fee Resort Resort — A Resort

  4. Jon says:

    Sorry if I already posted this on another of your blogs on the same topic, but I think everyone should be encouraged to post a negative review (one or two stars, at best) for any hotel, at least those in cities that engage in the deceptive practice adding on resort/facility fees. These are patently deceptive and are simply used to make the price of the room appear lower and to allow the properties in question to avoid taxes and commissions on the carved out amount of the fee. By posting negative reviews, the rankings of the hotel will go down, and this will impact their bottom line as they will get fewer bookings.

    If a hotel wants to offer additional benefits, for an optional fee, so be it. This is how resort fees used to work. However if a hotel requires a resort/facility fee to be paid (for many ancillaries the guest won’t even take advantage of), this should obviously be a part of the actual rate.

    1. Brian Cohen says:

      Please do not apologize, Jon.

      Frankly, we are not getting the message across enough; and I appreciate you repeating how you feel. Please keep posting.

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