Why Alitalia Defines Fashion as an Airline

W ho says that flying as a passenger in the economy class cabin on an airplane operated by Alitalia on a long-haul international flight is not in vogue?

Let me tell you about my fashionable experience which would even have Marc Jacobs in envy.

Not long after the departure from Los Angeles, I was treated to an unexpected bathing experience quite unlike one I have ever experienced before while in a lavatory aboard an airplane. As I activated the faucet to wash my hands, the water spurt out faster than a jet stream current and immediately ricocheted off onto my shirt — and everywhere else in the lavatory, for that matter.

I suppose I could have prolonged that experience and exceeded five minutes showering myself; but I was already sporting the latest style of shirt which temporarily resembled a Georges Seurat painting gone wrong. As other passengers waiting to use a lavatory gawked with a look of “what the heck happened to you?”, I strutted down the runway — er…aisle — back to my seat.

Who needs the five-minute shower that Emirates Airline offers? I did not have to place a request for the unexpected shower I received. Besides — combined with how hot it was aboard the airplane for the entire duration of the flight with no way to alleviate it — I may as well have had a steam bath as the remnants of my shower evaporated quickly.

I then took advantage of the opportunity to contort myself in any and every way possible in multiple attempts to get some sleep in a masochistic game of airborne Twister. Put my right foot here; put my left elbow there. I do not recall ever posing in these positions when I was a print model. All of this to alternative music in the form of plastic crumpling from across the aisle and a row or two forward — to the beat of whatever the passenger behind me was doing which caused my seat to constantly move. I am not sure what that one passenger was doing with that plastic for so long; but the cacophony exceeded the sizzling of bacon.

Speaking of BAcon, the airplane flew right over Las Vegas — where I was last week — and flew right over Dublin, where I will be in a few days — but I digress.

After a night of trying out virtually every position one can do in an economy class seat for several hours as human origami — and somehow getting some spotty sleep in between — I managed to sport a new coif.

I was not the only one. Many fellow passengers joined in on the new hairstyles after they tried to sleep — whether or not they wanted to begin the day with bad hair; and there was nothing we can do about it, as there were no amenity kits distributed in the economy class cabin. We did get a cup of water or Pepsi, though…

…so to summarize: an in-flight shower; a different fashion style without changing clothes; striking unusual poses; and a brand-new hairstyle. All compliments of Alitalia in the economy class cabin on what is easily the worst flight I have ever experienced with this airline, as I have enjoyed my other flights operated by Alitalia.

I promise: no more articles about Alitalia pertaining to this trip, as I am not scheduled as a passenger on any flights operated by Alitalia for the remainder of my unintentional trip around the world.

Those passengers in the business class cabin sure are missing out on all of the fun of being fashionable…

4 thoughts on “Why Alitalia Defines Fashion as an Airline”

  1. Shaun says:

    I’m not sure what’s more depressing…looking at my stock portfolio today or reading your blog. Your on vacation. Have a stiff drink and enjoy it!

    1. Brian Cohen says:

      …but…but I do not drink!

      I am sorry to learn of your stock portfolio, Shaun. I hope things pick up!

  2. Joey says:

    I second Shaun. You are on vaca. Have fun! Laugh! Heck take that 5 minute faucet shower next time!

    1. Brian Cohen says:

      I appreciate that, Joey. Believe me, I am not having a bad time — I just like to poke fun at unexpected occurrences of travel like that impromptu shower…

      …hey — at least I did not take a photograph of myself after that “shower” and post it!

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