Bagels are Not Supposed to Be Sliced Like This.

You may as well put a pastrami sandwich on white bread slathered with mayonnaise in front of me with a glass of milk to wash it down — or commit the blasphemy of eating a slice a pizza with a knife and fork.

Any self-respecting bagel aficionado would know not to desecrate a bagel by slicing it like this…

Bagels are Not Supposed to Be Sliced Like This.

…but seriously?

“Today I introduced my coworkers to the St Louis secret of ordering bagels bread sliced. It was a hit!“ is what Alek Krautmann posted to his Twitter account.

I would have preferred that he kept it a secret.

Sure, slicing bagels as though they were loaves of bread can be a solution to feeding multiple people when one does not have enough whole bagels — and it may be a great way for different people to try different types of bagels without ascribing to the unwritten law of “you touch it, you own it”…

…but this controversial “secret” has caused an uproar over the Internet — and rightfully so, in my opinion — but many people would argue that one would need to arch over backwards in order to find an authentic bagel in Saint Louis.

Pity those poor imitation bagels which were subject to such an abomination.

Seattle Customer Support Reservations Center Delta Air Lines

Photograph ©2012 by Brian Cohen.

What is next — ordering doughnuts bread sliced?!?


Go ahead and eat your bagels any way you like, Alek Krautmann…

…but if you want a true bagel experience, come to New York and have one fresh and hot — without slicing it; and without “accessorizing” it with condiments, toppings or fillings.

An authentic New York bialy. Photograph ©2017 by Brian Cohen.

Better yet, you might want to try a bialy, which would be a little more difficult to slice like bread.

Also, Alek Krautmann, if you want to know how — and, more importantly, how not — to eat an authentic New York pizza, just take a look at this hilarious video from Jon Stewart when he still hosted The Daily Show in 2011:

…and as for the person who sent to me this information — well…you knew that this born-and-bred-but-not-bread-sliced Brooklynite would react adversely once I found out about it; and that delightfully evil smile is probably stretched across your face as you read this article…

A real New York bagel. Yum. All photographs ©2012 and ©2017 by Brian Cohen.

4 thoughts on “Bagels are Not Supposed to Be Sliced Like This.”

  1. Debit says:

    I heard on ‘wait wait don’t tell me’. Every patriotic american should listen to it. St. Louis has a good thing going. Once you find someone buttons you push them continuously till they pass out. Keep slicing your bagels st Louis.

  2. Jeannine says:

    You know it! AND I found a bialy place in Englewood NJ yesterday.

  3. Tom says:

    Bialis forever!

  4. Christian says:

    Why couldn’t they have sliced doughnuts that way instead?

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