The federal mask mandate — which was on life support in recent weeks because it had been undergoing a tug of war of sorts — has officially been pronounced dead earlier today, Saturday, April 23, 2022 at 11:34 in the morning Eastern Daylight Time; and the official diagnosis was Covid-19.
Mask Mandate Dies From Covid-19: Satire
“The mask mandate was initially diagnosed with Covid-19 about a couple of weeks ago but was kept a secret,” said Karen Avyros, who was the doctor who diagnosed the disease. “It lost its battle earlier this morning.”
The nurse — who was only identified as Rona — was present when it happened. “The mask mandate died peacefully — much more peacefully than in the past couple of weeks. It did not suffer and was finally put out of its misery.”
Rona was referring to an official request from The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that the Department of Justice proceed with an appeal of the decision which a federal district judge ruled that the federal mask mandate for modes of public transportation in the United States was unlawful and further cited that the agency exceeded the authority of health officials during the current 2019 Novel coronavirus pandemic — but the appeals are now a moot point.
A memorial concert for the mask mandate was being planned at the time this article was written. Major soft rock groups which were popular in the 1980s — such as Air Supply and Breathe — are scheduled to perform their hit songs. The biggest hit for Breathe was the 1988 song How Can I Fall, whose chorus goes something like this:
How can I fall
How can I fall
When you just won’t give me raisins
Those sweet plump moist juicy raisins
At all
Other songs which are scheduled to be played at this concert include Every Breath You Take by The Police and You Take My Breath Away by Rex Smith.
Final Boarding Call
As seen in the photograph which is featured at the top of this article, the shenanigans of the past couple of weeks was the last straw for the mask mandate, which pined for a peaceful resolution, as no one would leaf it alone. May the mask mandate rest in peace.
I will just say that reality seems more ridiculous than this satirical article, from which I hope you enjoyed a good laugh.
Photograph ©2020 by Brian Cohen.
